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Acknowledging the consequence does not require me to condemn the person. That is the maturity I didn't have before, and her ability to hear that distinction is part of the bravery she didn't have before. We both changed, and I want to give my mother credit for something enormous: she became brave enough to hear me and hold space for me without making it about hear fear, her grief, her hurt feelings, or her guilt.

For me, understanding attachment theory changed everything; it gave language to experiences I had carried for decades without understanding. It helped me stop viewing myself as broken and start viewing myself as programmed, and there is a very important distinction between those two things. Broken implies something is wrong with you. Programmed implies something happened to you. Once you understand the programming, you finally have a chance to rewrite it.

Because choosing yourself doesn’t suddenly make you immune to guilt. If anything, it amplifies it.