The Problem Was Never Love; It Was Worthiness.

One of the hardest truths I ever had to face was that most of my life had been built around a question I didn't even know I was asking, “Am I enough?” The problem wasn't that I asked it. The problem was where I looked for the answer; for years, I thought I was looking for love. I thought I was looking for acceptance, for success, and for purpose.

Looking back now, I can see I was actually looking for proof. Proof that I mattered, that I was valuable, that I was worthy of being chosen; and because I didn't understand what I was looking for, I spent years chasing it in all the wrong places. This is where attachment theory changed my life, because attachment theory isn't really about relationships; not at first. It’s about survival, about the way a child learns to secure love, and the unconscious contracts we make with ourselves when we're too young to understand what's happening around us.

A child doesn't sit down and say: "I think I'll develop anxious attachment." A child observes, adapts, survives, and then those survival strategies become personality traits, until one day we're thirty years old wondering why our life feels so hard.

When I was little, love didn't feel consistent; safety didn't feel consistent; connection didn't feel consistent. I learned very early that people left; people were unpredictable; acceptance could disappear; love could be withdrawn; and because of that, my nervous system became obsessed with one thing: How do I keep people from leaving?

A question that shaped almost every major decision I made; not consciously or intentionally, but powerfully. I became very good at performing; not because I was fake, because I was scared. There is a difference. When my mother praised my academic achievements, I felt something I rarely felt otherwise: seen, valuable, important, chosen; for a moment, the anxiety quieted, I felt enough, so naturally, I chased more of it. What child wouldn't?

What I didn't understand at the time was that I wasn't pursuing achievement. I was pursuing belonging; achievement was simply the currency. The problem with building your identity around external validation is that it never lasts; no accomplishment is big enough, no praise is permanent enough, no amount of recognition ever creates the feeling you're actually looking for because the accomplishment was never the point.

The feeling was.

I became an overachiever, a perfectionist, a performer; not because I loved achievement, because achievement felt like love and when achievement wasn't available, I looked elsewhere: into relationships, attention, men, sexuality, anything that temporarily quieted the question, am I enough? I was promiscuous in ways that confused me later; not because I lacked values, not because I lacked self-respect, not because I wanted to rebel, but because intimacy felt like acceptance, and for a brief moment, I could convince myself I was chosen, wanted, desired, and important.

The problem was that once the moment ended, the feeling disappeared too, so I chased another one, and another one, and another one. I was trying to solve an emotional wound with external validation. This is what attachment wounds do; they create a roadmap, a strategy, a formula for obtaining love.

Some children learn:

"If I'm perfect, I'll be loved."

Others learn:

"If I don't have needs, I'll be loved."

Others learn:

"If I'm successful, I'll be loved."

Others learn:

"If I save everyone, I'll be loved."

Others learn:

"If I'm attractive enough, desirable enough, sexual enough, needed enough, useful enough..."

The list goes on.

None of us realize we're doing it. We just become adults carrying out childhood instructions; for me, that roadmap led me everywhere, it led me to college, then out of college; to art school, then away from art school; toward an English degree, then into law school; then into the military; then into careers that looked impressive on paper but never felt fully aligned in my soul.

I spent years thinking I was pursuing purpose when what I was actually pursuing was approval, and approval is a moving target. You never quite hit it. I remember sitting in law school receiving praise, getting recognition, and being told I was smart, accomplished, capable, successful; everything I thought I wanted to hear, and somehow...

It never landed. The praise would arrive. I would feel good for a few minutes, then the feeling disappeared, and I would start chasing the next thing, the next grade, the next accomplishment, the next title, and the next validation. This is when I began to realize something was deeply wrong; not with me, with the strategy because if everyone kept telling me I was enough and I still didn't believe it, maybe the problem wasn't the people around me.

Maybe the problem was that I was asking others to answer a question only I could answer. That realization changed everything. I began looking at my life differently; not through the lens of achievement, but through the lens of alignment.

Did I actually want these things or did I want what I thought these things would prove about me? That question unraveled years of programming. Did I want law school or did I want respect? Did I want success or did I want validation? Did I want relationships or did I want reassurance? Did I want praise or did I want worthiness? Most of us never ask those questions because we're terrified of the answers. The truth is, many people spend their entire lives trying to earn something that already belongs to them: worth, love, belonging, acceptance, and until we believe those things ourselves, nobody else can give them to us.

Not a parent.

Not a spouse.

Not a child.

Not a career.

Not a degree.

Not a bank account.

Not a title.

Not a social media following.

Not a perfect relationship.

Nothing external can permanently solve an internal disbelief.

Imagine you are a husband or a wife, you tell your partner how you appreciate everything they do for the family, and every fight ends with them telling you that you never recognize what they do for the family. Imagine you are a son or a daughter and you thank your mother for all the sacrifices she made purely out of love and without asking and lately all she can do is be bitter about all the things for which you fail to show appreciation. Imagine you are an employee and you turn in a project on time, above standards, it glowed with accomplishment above the crowd and all your boss can say is, "you forgot the page numbers."

When you start to recognize that you have been holding others accountable for the love and worthiness you owe yourself, you cannot unsee those surrounding you that do it every day. Rather than focus on what was given, all anyone looks for is lack. This is not becuase you are failing, it is because they cannot recognize it in themselves. Those that constantly criticize, tear down, and character attack are often feeling very disappointed with their own effort and achievements. When someone feels that they are not doing their best in life, they project that, especially when you are showing them up. No one wants to have your ability to rise shoved in their face if they feel like they could've done more; but, rather than see this as an internal conflict of theirs, our wounded inner children taking us over, internalize the message, "you are never enough."

The reason we become so desperate for other people to change is because we're still trying to get them to hand us what we've never given ourselves: acceptance, understanding, validation, worth, and love. Every criticism or negative comment becomes internalized until it breeds resentment. We think if they finally apologize, we'll feel whole; if they finally choose us, we'll feel whole; if they finally understand us, we'll feel whole; if they finally change, we'll feel whole, but what if that's never what we needed?

What if what we actually needed was to stop abandoning ourselves long enough to finally realize we were already enough? That isn't to say that we are not allowed to ask to be seen. I am not saying you have to go through life without recognition from others. What I am saying is that when you validate yourself, you notice the times others are grateful and whether or not you are actually in a situation of underappreciation. You stop projecting your internal reality into your life and see the situation for what it is. The spouse that is constantly nagging, suddenly stops and realizes that their partner doesn't want to help, it was only to avoid the nagging that they found value in reciprocity. This is when decisions can be made, when clarity finally makes its way to the surface.

That realization didn't happen overnight for me; it took years, divorce, career changes, financial hardship, boundaries, forgiveness, surrender, and sitting alone with myself long enough to discover that I wasn't chasing love at all. I was chasing evidence, and once I stopped needing proof that I was worth enough for another's effort, I could finally start building a life that actually belonged to me; not to my wounds, not to my fears, not to my programming.

Me.

Healing isn't learning how to get more love. Healing is learning that you were never lacking it in the first place. You were simply looking for it in places that could never hold it, and that realization changes everything.

I know when a person has not truly done their healing. Today, upon first meeting, when someone starts complaining about their day, nothing is good, they struggle to be optimistic and are wired to see how life will let them down, I know. When a person is always talking about how others in their life don't appreciate them, they've never recieved a thank you, they wish others would just treat them better, all while admitting they never thank themselves or speak up about their needs, then I know.

I used to be this person. Trauma wires you to see the triggers in your life, because hypervigilance learned in childhood has you looking for all the things that will harm you, and your nervous system has been in survival so long, all you can expect is pain. You make negative assumptions about events, people, your own abilities to cultivate joy. However, this can be healed, and I can help you.

Book a Free Strategy Session here, we can explore the messages you believe about yourself because of your childhood woundings. I will educate you on why you feel safer with mindreading rather than speaking your needs allowed. We will explore why looking for comfort and recognition from others is a default mode and how you can begin letting that go and creating a life you can feel safe in even if it means you are alone.

Always Shining.

XO Ashley